Gnarley Cheese

By Sydnee Charleevarck (pen name)
Heyloo, my name is Alexander Flagincharcofsigfringe and I will now tell you about my sad life as a middle schooler. It was sad and lonely since everyone was mean to me because I always where a polo shirt, huge nerdy glasses, overalls, and I also have a huge butt. There’s one other thing to. I’m not smart, I was held back in seventh grade, and I’m thirteen and my voice STILL hasn’t matured to a pre-teen voice as the 11 year olds already have a matured voice and they hardly crack when they talk. But the worst of all………. I’m a fricken little midget! I’m 4 foot 3. Yeah, I know, I hold a stupid record at my school. And for the whole entire state of Minnesota!!!! But I’m only telling the worst part in middle school, and here it goes.
At my school, 2 years ago in my 6th grade, a bully stole the cheese from my bologna sandwich. My mom puts huge, melted wads of cheese in my sandwich (and still writes little baby, “I love ya honey!” notes to me) and they’re sticky too so you know what the bully did with it? He stuck it on a basketball, shot the ball into the 5th basketball hoop, and the cheese has been stuck across the top ever since. This year though, that one bully was overpowered by a new bully who is 7 foot 11 and beats the crap out of everyone including his friends if they say something hardly offensive. That’s why this year, about everyday, I go home with a bloody nose and either a steak on my eye or school crutches with my leg dangerously dragging limply behind me. Uuuh, the pain. And here’s where the story gets interesting, I think. A few weeks ago I was eating lunch all alone when the bully, Butch Pain-strong comes walking over to me. Here’s what he said,
“Hey dumbo, whatcha eatin’ today. I heard my assistant took your cheese a few years back.”
“N-n-nothin’ much,” I say “j-just some puddin’ and b-b-beefaroni in a th-th-th-th-th-thermos.” I continue, trembling.
“Gimme’ that puddin’.” Butch says as he takes the pudding, sucks it all away and dumps the thermos on the ground. “Now don’t worry, little baby, I got somethin’ in mind you could eat.” Butch picked me up like I was a caterpillar and walked over to the rotten, smelly, basketball hoop. He reached his hand as high as his chest, (since he’s super tall) and took off the cheese wad. Ugh, it was so gnarly!! It had grown hair and it smelled so bad I almost threw up right there on the basketball hoop. Butch held it away from his nose and reached me far away from him. he reached his other arm out and commanded me to open my mouth... I did. He stuffed the cheese in my mouth and I gasped and he yelled at me to chew. I chewed with all my might and the lunch-patio was in an uproar. I swallowed and gasped for air. The world around me was dizzy and then I went unconscious in Butch’s hand. Apparently Butch and everyone else thought I was dead and they all started to freak out. I was dropped and the principal called 911. The ambulance came and I was taken away…….
I woke up in a hospital with an IV on my arm and a machine that helped me breathe. My mom was standing by me and she shrieked for the nurse when I awoke. I’m still in the hospital now and apparently I’m the talk of the school. Surprisingly a lot of girls had come while I was asleep and admitted that they had had crushes on me. Apparently I was a hot rod for the school but my drama-school knew how to hide it.
Well, my story’s over now, thanks for listening, and buh-bye.